The day started like any other Saturday. Jason awoke, ate breakfast, read a bit of the newspaper, and then returned to his room for an internet gaming session. After tiring of World of Warcraft, he searched for an internet puzzle game to stimulate his mind. He stumbled upon "silversphere", a fun game which challenged his intellect, timing, and motor ability. He breezed through the first 23 levels with barely a life lost, but was momentarily stumped on level 24.
"Quincy...I don't know where to start," he said.
"Eh, I think you need to push the ice block all the way to the right or something, then do some other stuff," Quincy told Jason.
"Oh. Thanks," Jason replied.
Jason solved the level and proceeded to easily best level 25. 24 turned out to just be a minor hiccup for Jason's brain.
Peter then entered the room, frantically spewing semi-coherent babble.
"JASON, YOU KNOW, I WAS WONDERING!!! I AM FREAKING OUT OVER HERE DUE TO MY WONDERMENT AND SPECULATION AND STUFF!!!! IF I HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, LIKE, THEN, UH, AND EJACULATE INTO HER VAGINA OR WHATEVER, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR HER TO TAKE A SHOWER AND WASH IT OFF SO SHE WON'T GET PREGNANT? GOSH, I HOPE IT'S POSSIBLE TO DO, JASON AND QUINCY AND MARSHMELLOW MAN!!!! OTHERWISE, I MIGHT BE FOULED UP!" Peter exclaimed.
"Shut up, Peter," said Quincy.
"Oh. Thanks, Quincy." Peter left, briefly. Jason found a game called "Bloons Tower Defense Three" and had played it for a few minutes, when Peter returned.
"Um, hi Jason. I have some bad news for you that Mom wants me to relay. Mom and Dad found your books about the 'Komgaran' or something. They think it would be best if you took a few remedial Sunday School classes," Peter said.
"Oh, FML, they saw my Comajaran tomes," replied Jason. "I suppose they have the wrong idea about the ancient art. They should probably send Paige too, since she was pretending to be the Watauokubimach a couple of months ago."
Peter laughed. "Little brother, I guess that's your thing to bring up with them if you want to. I'm just the messenger here." He left Jason's room again.
Jason played BTD3 for a little longer, but his mind was uneasy due to the news. Leaving Quincy in his room, he went downstairs to look for Paige, since she was the only one who had known about his Comajaran books prior to his parents apparently discovering them. He wouldn't put it past her to have ratted him out. His anger was building as he searched, unable to find her for a while. He then went outside, and there she was, chatting away on her cell phone.
"I remember, like, oh my God, back when I had braces, I was like walking to my mom's room, and like so tripped on the carpet, then ran right into ya know the door frame, and so was causing my bottom braces to totally tear through right below my lower lip. Oh my God, I sooooo still have a scar shaped kinda like braces because of it, but I'm pretty sure that after collagen, oh my God, you're not going to believe it, my lips are soooo full it's hard to see unless I completely point it out to you!!!" Paige yapped into the phone.
"Jesus F'n Christ," Jason muttered to himself. "This noisy bitch, I'll tell you what."
Paige's tone on the phone changed. "Hug me, honey, snuggly bunny..."
Jason stood still. "wat"
Paige's tone completely changed again. "Yesssss, my pretty, and I was thinking, after we stop in Animadordin, we could go to Las Vegas...Yessssss..."
Jason realized that this was completely weird. It made him wonder: Was she fucking with him? Or could she really actually be the Watauokubimach? Or is she just crazy? "Heh heh, well, actually I know she's crazy. That's beside the point," he chuckled.
"Hold on, Hcamibukouataw. I have heard something. This is bad! We cannot have this!" She dropped her phone. "JASON! WITH WHAT YOU NOW KNOW, YOU MAY NOT CONTINUE YOUR LIFE!!!"
Jason could not believe his eyes. He witnessed Paige seamlessly morph into the Watauokubimach in a manner reminiscent of the T-1000 in Terminator II: Judgment Day, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Edward Furlong, Linda Hamilton, and Robert Patrick; directed, co-written, and co-produced by James Cameron; and distributed by Tri-Star Pictures.
"RARRRRORRRRRORORRRRARRRRRORROORRRARRRRARRRRRRWWWWRRRR," bellowed the Watauokubimach as it ate Jason in twenty-two bites. "Yesssss. Tasty my little brother is. Wait...What is this urge. It is powerful. It is new. I just know I want. I want more. Want more. Want...TEENAGE BOYS. YESSSSSSSSS."
At that moment, Peter came out of the house, listening to "The Call of Ktulu" by Metallica on his iPod. He was heading to his friend Steve's house. He was so into the music that he did not even notice the Watauokubimach. It confronted him, however, and soon he was no more; the Watauokubimach managed to eat the elder Fox in only eleven bites. Perhaps it was Jason's great brain which had slowed the beast down during his devouring.
Nonetheless, the Watauokubimach was now feeling very, very good, and was ready to continue its feeding. It headed toward the town mall, singing and laughing to itself. On its way, it passed the house of Jason's long-time friend, Marcus the nigger. Marcus was outside, tutoring a pre-calculus student from the local high school on his family's picnic table.
"Logs are cool. Seriously. You can do some wack stuff with them, like change logb(a^2) to 2logb(a). THAT'S FUCKING COOL," Marcus told the unidentified boy.
The Watauokubimach licked its lips and snuck up behind the boys. "RARRRORRRRORORRWWWRRRRARRRRR," it roared, grabbing each boy in its clutches. It ate both of them, their brief, muffled screams doing nothing to save them. It continued toward the mall, coming ever-so-closer to that smorgasbord of annoyed teenage boys begrudgingly accompanying their girlfriends who are doing their ridiculous shopping.
Meanwhile, back at the Fox Household, Quincy was not well; there was that feeling in the air as though something was wrong. He hopped out of Jason's bed, then scampered out of the room and down the stairs. He obviously noticed that Peter, Paige, and Jason were not present, but this time, it wasn't normal. It wasn't that all of them were out or something. No, something was very amiss. Quincy knew that he needed to get out of the house and investigate. He pushed and pushed on the screen door, and was eventually able to open it.
Once in the front yard, the unmistakable feelings and scents which accompany death invaded Quincy's senses. He immediately realized that Jason and Peter were no more, and was stricken with sadness. However, he also realized that this was not the time for grieving. There was also a new scent in the air, and this scent seemed to call to Quincy's senses of righteousness and justice. Quincy knew that he needed to follow it. Specifically why he needed to do so, he was not sure, but he had a feeling he would find out.
By this time, the Watauokubimach was a few blocks from the mall, nearing the end of the neighborhood. It heard moaning coming from inside a house. "Oh, great, another couple fucking," it thought. "Wait a second..." Upon listening closer to the screams of passion, it realized that this couple was two males, and they sounded young. "Oh, hell yessssssssssss, jackpot!!" it said excitedly as it broke into the house.
"And he does not just want gay, he wants CANADIAN GAY! Yes, yes, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed one of the teenaged gay lovers in pleasure, as he had an orgasm into his boyfriend's ass. The two proceeded to cuddle. Just then, the Watauokubimach stormed into their bedroom. The fags continue to lay there, stunned at the majestic nature of the beast.
"RARRRORORRRWWWRRRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRWWRROOORRR," roared the Watauokubimach, consuming the homosexual couple in two huge chomps. It left their house and continued on its way.
Upon arriving at the mall, the Watauokubimach ate a car just for the hell of it. It then hid behind a garbage dumpster to take a nap. It was pretty exhausted after eating the pole smokers, and needed some rest if it was going to terrorize the shopping mall at full strength.
At this moment, Quincy had just reached the house of the fudge packers, and by the various scents, was able to deduce exactly what had occurred. "Sigh...These poor young fairies, their lives were ahead of them," he thought. He continued on his way.
As Quincy arrived at the mall and was attempting to pinpoint the final destination that the smells were leading him to, the Watauokubimach was waking up. "rarrrwrroorararr....RARRWORR," it uttered, stirring from its slumber. It briefly groomed and then started to make its way over to the food court. It had managed to travel far enough from the dumpster that when Quincy reached it, he was not able to catch sight of the Watauokubimach. "FML," thought Quincy. This mysterious scent is so strong here. Wait...I think it continues toward the mall." He continued to follow his nose, then, and also set out towards the food court.
When the Watauokubimach entered the food court, the patrons of the mall were very confused. "What is this, some kind of promotion?", "Dude, it isn't Halloween yet," and "Man, fuck that green monster and shit, my nig," were among the sorts of comments that were heard. "RARWRRERRRRORORRRRRARARRRRRR" roared the Watauokubimach at the top of its lungs, and it began to eat people. No male was safe. It ate babies, old men, fat men, skinny men, black men, white men, and of course, its favorite, teenaged boys. It ate a girl who looked like a boy and vomited all over the food court, just to then exclaim, "NOW I CAN EAT EVEN MORE!!!!!" and then eat four 11-year olds in a single gulp.
When Quincy pushed open the door to the food court, he witnessed the mall in a state of panic. People were running everywhere. Mall security had no idea what to do. People were throwing things at the Watauokubimach, but nothing deterred it in the least. Upon his first glimpse of the beast, Quincy knew that this was all on him. This was his calling. He would destroy the Watauokubimach. It was his destiny.
Quincy walked up to the beast, which was finally slowing down its consumption rate. "You motherfucking piece of shit," he said. "You ate my owner, his brother, and all of these other people. Who the hell do you think you are?" he said.
"I AM THE WATAUOKUBIMACH OF ANIMADORDIN!!!!" it bellowed. "IGUANA, YOU MUST BE ELIMINATED. FEEL THE POWER OF XEOUPHI!!!!"
The Watauokubimach turned around and unleashed a stream of fiery arrows from its butt, the first of which struck Quincy, singing him and sending him flying across the room and into a table.
"Man, this shit just got real," muttered Quincy.
The Watauokubimach lunged toward Quincy, preparing to use the ancient Xeouphi magic known as "Yorleyon" to finish him off. At the last second, however, Quincy leaped into the air, using one nail to stab the eye of the big, ugly monster.
"AAAAHHAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed the beast in pain. "FUUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUUU!!!!"
"That's right, bitch," said Quincy as he jumped down to the feet of the Watauokubimach. He tied its legs together swiftly, rendering the beast unable to move. "Yeah, trick, yeah." he added. Quincy then leaped into the mouth of the still-blinded Watauokubimach, and before it knew what hit it, was able to bend the top of its mouth up and backward, breaking the beast's spine and killing it.
"Damn I'm awesome." Quincy remarked.
Just then, the police finally arrived. They were stunned to see a food court full of some still-panicking people, blood and guts, a dead monster, and an iguana.
"See guys, it happened like this..." began Quincy. He proceeded to explain the entire story, as well as he could perceive, to the authorities. Everyone who heard it was dumbfounded by the sequence of events. Quincy finished his tale with "Later, dudes," and wandered off toward the setting sun. He would live to see another day, but the same could unfortunately not be said for Jason, Peter, Marcus, and the other casualties of the very ornery and hungry Watauokubimach.
CLIFF NOTES: Quincy saves the world ldo