I bring you something I made to compensate for my lack of writing. If you’ve never heard of a “crackfic” before, I suggest thou look it up cause that’s all I’ve got to show. Now Without further a do (or to do, like I know), Here’s the first:
Crack 1: Saw.
(A dark room is lighted from the blackness after a spark of flash reveals its true form. Toilets seemed to surround its walls, dirtier than a lack of cleaning for a year now)
(Roger Fox, sitting on a chair, looks on each side of his shoulders, noticing he was not near his coffee table anymore. The last thing he remembered was drinking his coffee, when he noticed an unusual experience from the formula before passing out)
Roger: What…what is this place? Where am-
(A television spontaneously flashes on in front of him in the midst of his quarrel. On the screen was the face of a peculiar looking puppet, with hypnotic circles painted on its cheeks, coal black hair and dark red eyes. Even more, it had “Form 1040” written on its forehead)
Jigsaw: Time to wake up, Roger Fox.
(Roger looks at the TV before realizing his bare feet were strapped to a huge wooden bucket of water with wiring coming out)
Jigsaw: Before you ask me who I am, let me just point out a more important matter you should be questioning: your debt.
Jigsaw: All your life, you kept on saying “These taxes are killing me”, now the tables are turned. The IRS doesn’t have a grip on your life, YOU do.
(Roger notices then that the wires are hooked up to a timer with the “2:00” number stuck to it)
Jigsaw: As usual, I want to play a game. Right now, you can feel your feet are hooked shut by a set of motion sensory locks that will only open if you fill out schedules A to SE and place them on the scale barely close to your reach. This scale, after it is balanced equivalently to the five pounds which all the forms combined weigh will shift to ignite the key and let you go.
(Roger saw the scale as Jigsaw had instructed and the papers as well.)
Jigsaw: Just don’t expect the regulator to give you time. Once your minutes reach zero, ten thousand bolts of electricity will run all the way towards your soaked feet and electrocute you.
Roger: Is THAT supposed to kill me? I, who with a little bactine, can survive a gasoline barbecue?
Jigsaw: Of course not! That’s your watch’s job.
(Roger looks at his watch)
Roger: I don’t get it, this doesn’t seem to have anythiIIIIOOOH MY CRAP! IT’S TWELVE FIFTY!!
Jigsaw: And the post office is a mile away from here, so unless you want the Revenue service to leave you bankrupt, I suggest you start now!
(The TV turned off. Roger was anxious to begin, until he realized there wasn’t anything to write with. Instead there was a knife. The television turns on again after Roger saw the sharp piece of cutlery)
Jigsaw: Oh, by the way, there are no writing utensils, so you’ll have to use your own blood. Au voir!
(The television turns off)
Roger: Goodness… but I think I can do it!
(Turns on again)
Jigsaw: And just so you know, Schedule M was supposed to be completed in triplicate according to your spouse’s wage, but it doesn’t come included with additional instructions. That shouldn’t be a problem you’re your experience, but if it is…my bad!
Andy: Roger! Are you all right?
(Roger sees he’s in his bed, with Andy)
Roger: …Okay, what just happened?
Andy: You fell asleep finishing the taxes, so me and Peter helped you to bed.
Roger: Oh…thanks honey.
Andy: That must have been one heck of a nightmare.
Roger: Yeah, I dreamt this guy was going to kill me if I didn’t finish the 1040 form.
Andy: I told you not to watch Saw 6 before finishing the taxes; it’s the only one that differs from the rest.
Roger: You’re right dear.
Andy: Of course I’m right, now go back to sleep.
Roger: Actually, Andy, I think I’ll stay awake for the rest of the night.
Andy: Oh okay, so while you’re awake-
(Andy gets close to Roger as though to kiss him.)
Andy: -I want to play a game.
Andy: Works every time.
(Cue Saw “Hello Zepp” ending theme)